MiniBAM: Man of the Month, June 2014

We used to have pony rides at my church’s festival.  It was a one-man operation.  The only thing I can remember about the owner-operator is that he never looked very happy to be there.  He paraded ponies all day long, brought sheer joy into the lives of countless children, and yet his expression was more akin to faces found in the waiting room of a proctologist’s office.  Oh, he also had oddly styled facial hair.

Who could be downtrodden whilst in the presence of ponies?  Not my new best friend Tony.  Tony is obsessed with the song “Pony” by Ginuwine, but I think their bond goes far deeper than a convenient rhyme.  Sure, I connected with Skeeter on Doug, but he wasn’t even my favorite character on the TV show.  (Porkchop, as if you had to ask.)  After spending nearly two minutes enraptured by Tony’s hypnotizing moves, it’s painfully clear that his destiny is to allow us mere mortals a glimpse of heaven anytime Ginuwine’s mellifluous voice entreats the listener to mount his or her faithful steed, should said listener be feeling extraordinarily amorous.

But this does not a Man of the Month make.  There had to be a worthy contender to dethrone the original Man of the Month, a reason to revive this award for something other than filler leading up to the grand finale.

Commitment!  Tony only dances to “Pony.”  That’s not solely the way you might describe this video to a friend.  It’s a mission statement.  An edict.  It’s a way of life.

Surely Tony is aware of other music, an educated viewer might wonder.  Why only limit himself to a small slice of R&B goodness?  Why not consider an R. Kelly, or perhaps an Usher?  But the only “Bump N’ Grind”-ing that occurs in Tony’s domain will be accompanied by a distorted vocoder bass line.  Tony’s lone “Confession” is that his saddle, like Vladimir and Estragon, will be forever waiting.

Maybe Tony can be swayed with other equine-related songs, the persistent naysayer (or neigh-sayer?) will suggest.  A “Horse With No Name” will break his conviction.  He’ll surely fall under the mesmerizing spell of a “Dark Horse.”  And there’s no man alive who could deny the request to “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy.”

NO!  I CAN’T MAKE THIS ANY CLEARER!  Until the end of days, Tony will only tap his toes to the 62nd hottest song of 1997, according to the Billboard music charts.  The only words he will ever lip-sync are, “Sitting here flossing/Peeping your steelo,” whether or not he’s confident on what that actually means.  For that dedication to his craft and for his undeniably funky fresh moves, we salute you, Tony.  Don’t stop believing.  But you probably shouldn’t listen to “Don’t Stop Believing.”  It’s hard to not at least pump your fist to that one.

Thanks to The AV Club for nominating Tony for this great honor.